I've no doubt you are in receipt of many letters at the moment, but hope you might find the time to cast a wise eye over my requests.
This year, above all else we would like 12 inches of rain.
Not all at once.
Preferably over about four days would be most suitable.
If this is too large an ask, you could possibly arrange:
a B-double of hay
52 tons of molasses, and
24 tons of grain.
Again, if this is out of the question, then maybe the following would be of some assistance in getting us through this trying time:
8 bottles of Rum
10 cartons of XXXX Gold, and
1 bottle of Tequila.
Wallace is in desperate need of a 'Buzz Lightyear' with green retractable wings, I re-iterate the greeeen wings. For the past two years you have most generously provided him with Buzz Lightyear's, but unfortunately the 'greeeen' wings seems to be the sticking point. The 'retractable' also seems to be quite important. But I think first and foremost if we can aim for the 'greeeen'. If all else fails, let me know, and I'll do some work with a texta the night before.
Sally would like a slithering robotic snake and large hairy spider, both preferably remote-controlled, so she can attempt to scare her long-suffering mother at the most inopportune moment.
Sarah is at a loose end. She's at that age where toys just don't cut the mustard, but she's not quite ready for the grown-up stuff. It doesn't help that her techno-phobic parents won't allow electrical devices into her room. If there's anyway you could provide her with her own bedroom, that would be most suitable, in her mind at least. Failing that, if it would be possible to relocate at least two of her younger siblings for a short period of time I know she would be most grateful.
Jessie is fairly easily pleased. She doesn't want her mother or father to spend any money this year as she understands money is being poured into drought fodder at the moment. She explained to me that you (Santa) would have it covered. That's a great relief to us.
Please note, that we will endeavour to leave some lucerne on the front yard for your reindeer, but in light of the fact that over 30 wallabies are currently descending on our garden nightly in a vain effort to steal a little green grass, please be forewarned there may not be much hay left for your most worthy sleigh-motors. Please help yourself to the rather meagre haystack in the far shed. Your own beer and bikkies will be safely guarded inside the house.
In the meantime we will look forward to meeting with you at one of the local shopping centres during school holidays.